My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
You ordered a "mcblizzard" and yelled @ the worker for false advertisement because she didn't flip your "mcblizzard" upsidedown. You wanted it free. I'd say mcdonalds daytime workers need to be trained in dealing with daytime drunks too. She didn't know what to do.
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
Smoked all day yesterday and even more today. Just survived high dinner with mom and sister. Thought I might eat the whole table
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
All I know is I drank too much, danced too little.. yet somehow woke up on the floor in the arms of some cowboy.
Like I want to yell at him for pissing on my floor but there's still a chance its my pee....
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
Randomize
