I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
She went to college and exploded out of the slut closet.
you know the rule: 3 consecutive asian hookups makes you an asian fetish guy, no exceptions
If you dont, I will tell Dad you are gay.
Fine, and I will tell him you fucked his business partner
Previous statement retracted.
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
your drunk mistake has arrived...he is the one wearing a poncho
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
Just bought the plane tickets. Light headed. Blood rush to clit oh god blue clit. Mayday mayday vagina down!
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
Randomize
