my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
Yea i traded my bed for half a bag of jimmy johns jalepno chips, am I proud of it no, Am I happy I did it? yes
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
Apparently I had 2 bloody noses and after my sis put me to bed at the hotel, I escaped and my sister's friend found me in an elevator with some guy
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
