my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
The sex was so not worth the four dollars it cost to drive over the bridge
they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
how do you tell a roommate that having sex on your bottom bunk is not appropriate even if she has a top bunk that's hard to climb to?
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
It's officially time to start saving up weed money for the NCAA tournament
i just missed the spain goal because i was puking in the bathroom. damn you open bar.
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
Taking a semester off always leads to bad things like having a baby or getting married
Is it too early in the day to ask a nipple-related question?
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
Randomize
