my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
I've orgasmed so many times tonight I think I've become enlightened
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
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