Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
i wokr up in ohio with no clothes. i think someone gave me ecstacy. can you come find me please it's cold.
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
I figured that I'd start organizing the places ive given head. I'll add treehouse right after bandroom
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
Its like her house is inhabited by 50 year old lesbian water color artists with a throw pillow fetish
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
At least you got some excitement going on, you got weed and might die tonight, I'm just sitting here bored as fuck.
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
you have 30 seconds to convince me not to grab this guy's crotch in front of his girlfriend
She’s either doing coke or thinks my cock has the Covid vaccine. Either way I haven’t worn clothes in 3 days
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