I'll bet she douches with gravy.
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
I voted for him because his wife supports his raging sex life.
when you agree to fuck a guy it does by NO means make it okay for his roommate to hide in the closet with doritos and watch
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
Is it bad that I want a job purely so I can buy drugs with without feeling like I am sacrificing my future?
Why do you think I have a job?
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
anything below 65° is too cold to be naked on a roof
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
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