theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
I just googled maps his house, and took the virtual tour back to my apartment, just so I could visualize the walk of shame in the morning
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
Is valentines day the worst or best day to ask for a threesome? I'm weighing some options on this high-risk manoeuvre.
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
I feel like your personal Bdsm barbie...
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
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