My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
my vag is so smooth its legendary
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
You are not answering and I think it is because you spent 80 dollars worth of drinks on you hot cousin.
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
Yea, I had a chaperone thankfully. I'm in the fetal position attempting to eat captain crunch now.
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
I don't know if I want to fuck him or punch him in the face.
FINE I guess I'll just drink regular coke like a PLEBIAN.
Randomize
