He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
I literally just fucked insane clown pussy. 24 yo nut job moonlights at children's parties. Gave me head while still in full clown makeup from my kid's birthday party.
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
Im just an angry damaged little elf who wanders around and tries to find drugs.
I'm rolling and just noticed that the thread count on these sheets is horrendous.
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
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