so she proceeds to puke everywhere, look up at me like a sick dog, and then say, "i'll finish if you want me to."
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
All I remember is drinking vodka out of tupperware.
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
I just saw a wasted dude crawl out of the road at 2 in the afternoon. Big question- still drunk from the weekend or hitting the soju already?
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
I went to the bar saying i wasn't going to drink that much. I forgot sobriety might as well be some mythical creature when you're with Holleey
So it's national ass day?! I love October. No bra last Saturday and now ass day. This is my month. God is dedicating this October to me!
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
I just traded sex to frolic with a box of husky puppies. Is this rock bottom?
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
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