Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
so the situation is a+b=c where "a" is how much you weight, "b" is my gravitational pull, and "c" is how erect your penis is.
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
This is your monthly public service announcement that sexual services will temporarily cease from Wednesday night to Monday. Please plan accordingly and have a nice day =D
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
$1 drinks and Playboy theme. I am never leaving this place
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
Omfg 7 hour sex session who am I?
PS: I think I'm in love
Ability to walk tomorrow tbd
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