ur dog is so gonna tell on us one day.
for doing what?
for smoking bowls out on the deck while your parents aren't home.
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
u kept pointing at random guys and making quacking or mooing sounds.
And after getting thrown out of the frat house, getting carried up the hill for a half an hour, puking 5 times, and almost getting stopped by campus security, she still insisted he sleep with her. Gotta give her credit, even blacked she kept her eyes on the prize
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
its not even a love triangle. its a love square and it has come back to haunt me
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
So I hung out with an australian but woke up with a British man in my bed does that make me culturalized
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
Randomize
