Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
And surprisingly enough iPhone does not have an app for Russian mail order brides.
seeing an 80 year old woman puke in the bushes changes everything...
that's spring break in florida for ya
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
It's 4th of July all over again, we were chasing with the pool water.
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
As your attorney I advise you to rage rapidly
All of her cloths were on our coffee table this morning. The only things she left with last night were her shoes and Scott
His dick is as big as my 7" heels... Awkwardness is forgotten.
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
Randomize
