The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
Whenever ur ready we need breakfast and a psychic.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
Fuckkkk i made out with a freshman.....but he's old for his age. THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOURE NOT AROUND.
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
Stoned, and eating Doritos, and reading about lesbians for class. This is the life.
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
They have beer where we have blood.
I think sunday funday got a little out of control. There is cheese slices and BBQ sauce all over the roof and 4 empty bottles of vodka in my room.
You've had it in your mouth, how have you not seen it?
I just want a man in my bed on a regular basis, who cuddles, and who I can also occasionally hang out with outside of my bedroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Randomize
