So drunk its hurt
It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
Buhtt sex?
Will you Wikipedia Vin Diesel? Is he gay? It's important...
i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
This is one of those situations that make me think to myself "what life decision did I make to get here"
I could get a dump truck for 1000. Think of the possibilities.
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
Randomize
