fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
this girl walked outta his room as i was walkin in to scottys and i just say " time for the walk of shame baby! whoooo!". she ran away
you can feel better about your life now. i slept with a guy who has gold teeth
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
Hes laying on the floorn in the bathroom telling Jesus to raise the flag
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
She's like my safety school. At the end of the night, if I haven't found anyone better to hook up with, I can always call her if I need a place to drop a load and don't want to rub one out myself. Perfect next door neighbor.
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
Is it possible to be sexually attracted to someone's hair?
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
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