i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
do you ever facebook stalk someone so much you think their inside jokes are yours?
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
so when i dont talk to her she talks to herself...idk whats worse
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
I feel like calling off tonight. Is a strong desire for masturbation a valid reason?
Her next conquest seems to be stealing her ex-boyfriend's new girlfriend. Pretty sure everyone involved is totally OK with this.
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
After 7 months of nothing.. shall we throw your vagina a party? as its reinstatement into society?
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
Randomize
