yo I wanna see you, bring that beard of yours
I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
i just rode the bull and i see vomit in my future.
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
i remember too much of last night for it to have been successful
No no I got the black eyes when I tried to do a flip off the second deck of a pontoon boat. Actually when I did a flip, it was a success.
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
didn't prepare for this snow storm at all. i only have like 6 beer and all my booty calls already went home for the holiday. this is bull.
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
Randomize
