dude, she masturbates with a ken doll.
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
Do you rver get that feeling like their are poprocks filling ur boday?
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
Randomize
