Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
thats the only time ive ever had sloppy firsts
I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
he asked me to have sex with him by saying 'take one for the team'. so no we didn't do it.
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
Let me put it this way - if I had a list of things I would like between my legs, she would rank below the cello I turned into firewood sophomore year.
Well when you get back to your computer, there's a nice explanation of pansexuality on your Skype.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
Meant to have fun, ended up giving speech about consent to guy at bar. Feminist side feels happy. Orgasms side feels confused and betrayed.
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
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