you need to do more things constructive for your career. like wearing pants more often.
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
i think the penis that was inside of me changed my life
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
I need a genital shamwow being this wet.
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
Please don't give away my fajitas
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
Randomize
