I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
just saw someone puke all over a michigan fan. he didn't even flinch.
so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
he was shitfaced drunk and couldn't walk but could still recite the top 10 in order from the first season of american idol. impressive
I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
I'm starting to think that Cosmic Steve ripped me off
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
Randomize
