Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
i saw his dick when we were four, so thats kind of ruined for me now
when we asked you if you had had anything to drink tonight you looked up from the toilet while cupping the water into your hands and said "this.. just this"
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
Well we had to pull over on a side street in town so I could throw up while moms were driving by with car loads of kids, I feel like I just performed a lil silent AA film for the childrens
Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him
At least life still wants to fuck me.
It's so Britney 2007, you know?
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
Randomize
