its like his balls were made of silver and he was trying to polish the tarnish off
I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
we're ranked number 5 for having the most pot in the country for a university school. idk if i should feel worried or just plain blessed.
Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you.
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
so my dads pretending to use the snow blower and theres absolutley no snow one the ground.... someone should really lock our liqour cabinet
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
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