I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
just saw a dude in a v-neck sweater on a bike drinking starbucks. way to feed the stereotypes white dude.
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
Dude. 21 days till I'm 21. It's the 21 day countdown. The 25 days of Christmas can suck my dick.
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
Just had sex to Jesse & the Rippers. Can check that one off the bucket list.
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
How naked do you want me to be?
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
Randomize
