If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
She came to college a virgin and left on court order. We ruined her.
I'm pretty sure it all started going downhill last night when they suggested I see how much sambuca I could fit in my mouth
allie, at least he made an effort and braided his goatee.
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
No padding. I spent my whole summer with my nips out. October don't need that too.
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
if being 21 means slamming 99 cent margaritas at 3:00 in the afternoon on a Tuesday then call me Peter Pan IM NEVER GROWING UP
Randomize
