Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
also found a pic of my head in the microwave from the other night.. hmm
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future�
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
We laughed. We cried. We came everywhere.
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
I have a mailbox and I don't know why.
Randomize
