The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
They asked if I wanted to shotgun a beer and before i could ask who had a knife they all had bit holes into the cans. Im never leaving Germany!
I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
How many layers of skin can you loose before it becomes bad?
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
Tbh I would eat a grilled cheese off your dick.
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
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