FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
There's two sisters at this place and they look competitive. Try for a threesome tonight?
Just smokin in the creek with some deer, they like the smoke, I know.
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
No! Last time I got hit with a beer bottle
Haha, Tuesday man
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
looked it up online and zoo tickets are only 20 bucks and there's also a museum of science close to the hotel.
i'm not going to a FUCKING museum. i want to be wasted and possibly double penetrated... have you EVER been on vacation?
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
Randomize
