God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
Just pooped at the strip club. NOT NORMAL . I may be a little too comfortable here.
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
Also, horsecock action starts in about a month. Have you prepared yourself yet?
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
Well, the night started out with you ALMOST falling out of a tree. Then we went back to the tree after about 9 shots and you DID fall out of the tree.
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Randomize
