My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
he said i balance and complete him. i feel sick
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
Come on kid, foreplay is elementary stuff. It's a vagina, not a sphinx.
I know it's just really hard to give up sex and cigs during a blizzard
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
I think about him when I masturbate so I guess you could call it love
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
Randomize
