Kiss
Puke
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
I just ate cottage cheese and went to the gym at 6 this morning...the things i'll do because I might get naked in front of a new boy
I was just thrown into the pool and now I'm surrounded by men... You would think this is the dream but I'm just confused
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
I'm sorry you're hurting. Would a picture or my erect penis help?
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
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