4:33 am: Sleep on left side of my bed. T-shirts are second drawer on left side, boxers top right. I don't wake up when lights are on so feel free in my room..
you might want to delete the history when you're done using the computer at work. did you ever find out what the white balls in your throat were?
If one more person calls me a lesbian I am going to have to give you head in public.
Sober January is a disaster.
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
Yes perhaps we are both wrong. And did you call me bj girl?
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
Randomize
