Let's make love on the newspapers that declare financial doomsday
i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
I found out during it when he said "my girlfriend never does this" so he's all to blame, I had no idea until half way through.
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
My dealer's mom died on christmas eve. Is it too soon to see if he's holding?
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
and here comes the time of my day when I haw to convince a guy to drive my cape and my handle to my dorm.
I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
Randomize
