You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
Just so we both are on the same page, I have no solid plans as to where I'll be sleeping tonight.
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
Just did coke off of a cross necklace and am headed to the strip club. Happy Easter!
You are so lucky you didn't go back to Tate's house. They decided to figure out who had the biggest balls... I was the judge
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
the kid next to me in math class is drawing gay porn. it's good, but that is beside the point
After you punched me you ran away and it took an hour to find you... On the wrong floor... Sitting alone saying "it doesnt make sense"
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
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