FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
I've already agreed to hook up with 3 people tonight, and its not even 2:00 yet... I think this is what the path to success looks like.
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
My legacy here is being that tiny blonde girl that threw someone down and shouted "Fuck your face, I'm Dee Dee Ramone."
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
So I've already made 5 bad decisions today, wyd?
looked it up online and zoo tickets are only 20 bucks and there's also a museum of science close to the hotel.
i'm not going to a FUCKING museum. i want to be wasted and possibly double penetrated... have you EVER been on vacation?
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
I'm completely creeped out. He's dressed as me. And thinks it's funny.
Randomize
