The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
Young lesbians are the worst. And also what got me through high school, sooooo
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
It's official. Post baseball sex is better than post hockey sex. I hope the Blue Jays win the world series.
it was weird i started the party in just my underwear and woke up in my clothes
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