I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
yeah after seeing those pics of her puking into my underwear drawer i remembered again why i didn't want to invite her.
you didn't check your sock drawer yet did you
And i generally try not to roofie people when I'm in a committed relationship.
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
If she's telling you consent laws theres probably a reason
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
I think my body knows it's dying and is just shutting down
There is no issue with you seeing me...morally or ethically. we'll update your resume anyway. I really need to have sex with you later. Really
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
I hate men. But I love dick. You see my problem?
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
Randomize
