I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
The last time I saw you, you were rolling around on the ground at the bar.....
.....well it was bound to be an interesting night since I was chasing my pulls with pulls....
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
Just bought a colored water bottle so my classmates can be so judgemental when I bring beer to class.
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
we were clicking our heels together saying theres no place like home, while the cops were tellin us to call our parents and tell them what happened.
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
Lucky bitch I'm at work covered in Jeff pee. And my hair smells like beer because I was trying to prove a point about PBR serving multiple purposes.
Randomize
