when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
Just so you know.. I just graduated college with your name still written on my chest
If that doesn't scream bromance I dont know what does
she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
I cannot even. Taco bell reception. Beers. New friends from Georgia.
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
I mean it's up to you where you want to sleep but I'm telling you you're going to hear us have sex no matter what room you're in.
Fair enough
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
If my dildo had feelings, they. Would've deffinately been hurt. He put that toy to shame..
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
Randomize
