somebody snuck up and got me drunk
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
he doesn't care that i have a boyfriend so why should i?
logic in its finest
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
Actually, lets be honest. I will probably keep calling him the pastor because it brings me joy using pastor and fuck buddy in the same sentence.
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
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