took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
I hate to tell you this, but your sister reeks of whore.
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
Streaking across a girls college rugby game is probably the best, and most painful, decision I've ever made
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
She had pubes that could make an episode of Duck Dynasty. Fear the Vag Beard
He wins the giant teddy bear for getting the neuva ring on the dick
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
It's a weird kind of sexy when a guy has a bunkbed with his roommate
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
Randomize
