3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
4:11am: mnlodp
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
Becky drew a cock on my face and is making me sit on the step.
what did you do that she drew a cock on your face and supplemental questions why did you let her?
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
"lets watch the sunrise" turned into "lets have sex on the roof at six thirty in the morning"
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
Are u guys proud? I puked my brains out last night at a strip club. While my two fave strippèrs held my hair
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
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