My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
It started with Hannah Montana and ended with alcoholism.
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
Long labias. Talking about. Too drunk to explain. Tomorrow.
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
He broke hus nose arm jousting with the traffic cones... We need to make head shots illegal or get helmets or something
its cute though when you google his name more than one mug shot comes up from different states
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
Living room floor. I asked him to give me a back rub. He did. And smoothly transitioned that to foreplay, then basically threw me on the floor. My vagina hurts. He deserves another Christmas present.
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
i just got banned from the m&m's website for trying to get poon slayer written on my custom order
Dont worry, the Canadians are more afraid of you then you are of them.
You said the best orgasm you ever had, you gave to yourself. your boyfriend looked really disappointed. so did half the room.
Randomize
