i know ur right I'm sorry I'm stupid and incompitent look I can't even spell incompetent right! Fuck!
I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
i hope whoever thought of bagged wine flip cup last night has the same hangover as me. not ok.
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
We had sex to beyonce's "drunk in love" and then he order me pizza. It was perf
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
just bought safety googles to wear so he can cum on my face and not in my eye. SAFETY FIRST!
Randomize
