We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
Glad we went casual last night, made my 1pm walk of shame through Walmart a little less obvious
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
I definitely did a line of something I don't know with a Pagan biker. I make good decisions.
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
I was expecting it to be of the "I am your vagina's reckoning" caliber.
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
He ended up buying the equivalent of dinner at a Mexican place, in weed
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
Randomize
