dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
you kept running across the street. everytime you made it across successfully you took something off. can't believe there were no cops around...
oh thats it?
If the first sentence isn't something about weed or the nature of choclate I'm skipping class.
she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"
Be honest with Daniel. He was a good rebound to you for nine months and he made it so you could be with the one you really love and care for now. Just tell him thanks and best of luck.
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
It's been a year of occasional hook ups....this was bound to happen sometime even with your jank ovary schedule.
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
First sunburned tits of the season. And it's only April... I feel like it's going to be a good summer.
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
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