I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
To say the least, now you know you're a proper lady, passing a field sobriety test in heels...
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
Thanks. It's every girl's dream, right? To blow a bald marketing consultant 12 years her senior?
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
Randomize
