i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
Well she just peed in a pot and is now trying to boil it
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
He's carved the words "SLAM STATION" into his headboard...
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
He was 6'5 and wearing a kilt, how could I not fuck him
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
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