So I accidentally txted this girl with the same name as the one im seeing, as it turns out shes still dtf
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
I just googled if crying burns calories
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
My name in their phones is "That Girl". If i can't get it to go away, I might as well live up to it.
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
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