My valentine's day: watching The Notebook, and porn, eating chocolate, and ice cream. All while jacking off.
Wow... you've managed to cover all of the sad girl stereotypes that exist.
It's a system.. i get to hook up with them and you get to play words with friends with them afterwards.
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
dude a monday night stripper made you motorboat her. you should get that checked out
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
I just made out with Ricky Ullman of Phil of the Future fame and I don't know what I'm doing anymore. Help.
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
It is 5:00PM and I'm just now putting on underwear.
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
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