Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
I wish there was a Glade Plug-in for vaginas
Any time before 12:00pm. Can go fuck itself.
She pointed at me and told her friend, I'm going to fuck him, its going to be really loud, so yes, i need the whole basement.
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
apparently they wrote a song entitled "butt slut" about her... im thinking shes not girlfriend material.
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
He's practically not my boyfriend anymore. So let's go get some glitter, balloons, alcohol and forget this night ever happened.
How do we have all these hot friends who we never do body shots off of
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
I may or may not be drinking in a church parking lot.
Randomize
