Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
Idk. We dropped acid and Kevin ran away again. We didn't find him for like 3 hours.
Man I wish I had been there
Yah we found him in the pool shed of some elderly couple. They were on the porch watching all of the shenanigans. ...To be young again.
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
HELP A SISTER OUT. AND KEEP YOUR TONGUE OUT OF THE HUMMUS.
TOO HIGH TO FIGURE THIS SHIT OUT
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
I was going to do a cardio thing but then tacos.
There's a kid in the back of the class drinking out of a flask. Like what is going on?
NOW HE'S DRINKING OUT OF A HANDLE. WHO IS THIS KID?
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
Randomize
