Also my back is semi rug burned and I'm holding you fully responsible.
I would love to give you more rug burn
her nipple to breast ratio was just odd
I am at The Loft in SoNo, and there are two girls within arms reach that are making out with each other AGGRESIVELY. Like I can see 100% of a boob
For future reference, this is Trevors little sisters phone now. Trevs number is 484 XXX XXXX. Great story tho
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
He is 6'5, went to a Christian school and he's a violinist....I'm going to fuck the jesus right out of him.
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize
