I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
I just remembered before I gave him head I couldn't find a hair tie and he offered to hold my hair up. Maybe we were wrong.. Maybe he does have a heart.
I'm going to come in a little later this morning....there's no heterosexual way to say this....$1 flip flop sale at old navy
Hmd? did you really just created an abbrievation for hold my dick?
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
When Pony by ginuwine plays I pretty much just grind on the nearest penis.
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
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