I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
you didnt say anything until i brought it up today. i guess i misjudged your maturity.
I guess I misjudged your gender.
Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
Male strippers are involved. You are coming
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
I woke up wearing my panties and an eyelash, soo I'd say your birthday was a success.
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
Executive decision.... we are cuddling naked
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
Randomize
